Good negotiators always focus on how to get the other party to say “yes.” This has proven to be an effective approach because it shifts the focus from “what I want” to “what do they need from me to get them to agree?” It means that most of your effort goes into trying to keep them from saying “no.”

The great negotiators, however, go further. Instead of trying to avoid the “no,” they work with it to move the process forward. This is because in a negotiation people find it easier to say “no” than “yes”. Chris Voss, who spent 25 years as the FBI’s chief hostage negotiator, has shared his experiences in his recent book, Never Split The Difference – Negotiate Like Your Life Depends On It. In some of the most difficult negotiations with some of the most dangerous negotiating parties, he was much more successful with “no” than he was with “yes.” Although we may not be dealing with criminals and terrorists (hopefully!), we can learn a lot from Chris’s methods.

In any negotiation, it’s easier to say “no” than “yes.” “No” is a word of protection: protect them from what they don’t want. “Yes” is a commitment word, and the moment we say it, we care about what we have committed to. It gets worse the more we say “yes.” In the back of your mind is that warning voice asking, “What are you getting yourself into here?”

So if saying “no” is easier for the other party, why don’t we use this? Can we change our questions so that saying “no” gives us the result we want? The answer is a resounding yes!” Here are a few examples:

1. Instead of asking, “Is this a good time to talk?”

Quiz: “Is this a bad time to talk?”

2. Instead of asking, “Do you think we can come to an agreement here?”

Try: “Can you see anything that would get in the way of us reaching an agreement here?

3. Instead of asking, “Can you help me here?”

Try: “Is there anything stopping you from helping me here?”

The principle in a nutshell is: can you rephrase your question so that a “no” answer moves the process forward? This technique is a game changer. I have been applying it for some time in many different settings and it works!