There is a lot of talk these days about complaining in books and magazines about the right way to do it, or how there is no right way. Ruth Konigsberg has written a book called “The Truth About Grief” in which she talks about “the new science of grievance” and how she shows that we don’t need to do anything special to get over it. Her recent opinion piece in the New York Times cited a large-scale study showing that older widows outgrow the grieving process much sooner than commonly thought. In response, a series of letters to the editor were published, strongly disagreeing with Konigsberg’s theories and her attempt to measure the grieving process by how well a person functions in everyday life. I’m not alone in thinking that functionality is not the point.

Sure, the grievance will hinder a person’s ability to function at the same level they’re used to at first, and perhaps for some time. A mother who loses a child may need to stay in bed for a year. On the other hand, an elderly widow may be comfortable in her routine and not slow down at all. Or the opposite could be true. The widow may have to spend a year in bed and the mother may have to stick to routines. The complaint is not predictable. I have little use for scientific studies that attempt to quantify the tort process. Professionals who work with bereaved patients every day know that expecting the grievance to unfold in a certain way or conform to a prescribed pattern does not have a positive outcome for the bereaved.

Yes, there are complaint templates that can help the grievance specialist or bereaved person identify their complaint process as normal. But the favored model, as described by JW Worden* in supporting complaints, has no timetable and no prescribed outcome. Identifies stages (or Worden’s term: tasks), but has them out of order. And as those of us who study grief know, all of those stages can occur within a day.

“Aren’t you over that now?” it is the general cultural response that many face as they struggle to live with grief. In fact, there is no timeline for the duel. The keys to grievance are patience and permission. The more of each we give ourselves, the better off we will be.

As an artist, my approach has always been to explore. I explore feelings the same way I explore colors, lines, or words on a page. This has served me well in dealing with my complaint. It has allowed me to see it as a project that I am working on. Something that I take responsibility for and look forward to seeing how it turns out. And in my opinion, some grievance can last a lifetime. You can become integrated into the personality in a comfortable way. I like Patti Smith’s description, given in an interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air in 2010:

“I think the idea that time heals all wounds isn’t really true. Our wounds never really heal, we just learn to walk with them. I know you, ha. You can come with me today.”

Grievance is something we all have to deal with over and over again in our lives. It’s really just the painful reaction to the loss. We will suffer other losses besides death: a limb, a community, a marriage, a job, a friend… anything we depend on in our lives will be hard to lose. The better we acknowledge our feelings and take time to honor them, the better we can learn to feel through them.

Why? Why not let the feelings stay buried? Why dig up old stories? To salt wounds? Because grievance is not just something to survive, manage or overcome. It really is an opportunity to get to know ourselves.

In my own experience of working creatively with grief, I find that writing or drawing or whatever I do in a state of sadness will allow the feeling to change. If I let the pain lie dormant, it doesn’t go away. Instead, it becomes cloudier and makes slow, destructive changes. Angel builds. Patience fades. I can even develop chronic somatic conditions.

If I can get close to my grievance and really open up to it, that’s when I’m surprised. The spirit of a dead person is suddenly present. Clarity arrives. Love floods my heart. Anything can happen. Combined with fear, grievance can be isolating. But by relaxing, we may find that the relationship with the missing person is still strong enough to meet our needs. Love does not die. And we learn compassion. We learn to ask for help. And we learn to help others in new ways.

But this type of processing does not happen quickly or efficiently. In fact, the only way that happens is if we are patient and allow ourselves to grieve fully and completely and for as long as it takes. For some that will be forever. The more we suppress complaints or tell ourselves that we have to finish at a certain time, the more it holds us back. And if we can open up to it and relax into it, the more grievance it becomes this interesting place to explore and find ourselves, bigger and better than we were before.

* Worden, JW (2008). “Grievance Counseling and Grievance Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Professional (4th Edition)”. New York: Springer.