Is your spouse a negative person? Do you constantly focus on what is happening to you and your marriage while overlooking the many positives?

If so, it is also quite possible that your spouse is a negatively oriented person in most things: work, marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes on, your spouse becomes even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first spoke to “Leigh” (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage due to her husband’s constant negativity. “Al” was a master at finding fault with Leigh’s decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could gossip without blinking.

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the dangers of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al talked about what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn’t work.

If he agreed to accept one of Leigh’s ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worst or spoke of the negative aspects. Also, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was “too expensive”, the dinner conversation with friends was “too boring”, the movie was “too long”, the weekend camping trip was “too much work”, a gift from a Family member was “stingy,” and the people in the church they visited were “hypocrites.” His boss is “an idiot”, his job “sucks” and his life is “the well.”

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was a challenge for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt exhausted and discouraged after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he became more negative as he got older and that she was beginning to resent his attitude, she consulted me.

Eight steps to overcome negativity

If you are in the same situation, married to a spouse with a negative attitude, I would give you the same recommendations that I gave to Leigh. This is what you can do:

1. Deliberately build friendships with other people and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand your circle of friends and that of your spouse to include partners who would be good role models for your spouse and spend time with those partners.

Reduce the time you spend with friends who encourage negative comments and your spouse’s attitude, and gradually try to add people and partners who have strong positive influences.

2. Make sure you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that “feed your soul” and help you stay on a positive path. If things in your marriage are not what you wish they were, then you need to find fulfillment and joy in other areas to stay emotionally centered and balanced.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. “Feed yourself” a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your mood to make sure you don’t get caught up in what are commonly called “codependency” problems. That’s when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he’s in a bad mood doesn’t mean you can’t have a nice day. You don’t have to let your partner’s mood determine your mood or ruin your day.

Don’t give up your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse’s negative attitude.

Four. Keep a gratitude journal in which you make a list of the things you are thankful for each day. Get in the habit of sharing with your spouse the things you are grateful for. At dinner, for example, you can talk about how helpful the grocery store clerk was or about a favor a co-worker did you that you appreciate.

If you are grateful to see a beautiful bird or a beautiful tree in bloom, please share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share it. Even if what you say doesn’t affect your partner, you should listen to yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts they have given you. This helps you focus on what is right in your life rather than what is wrong.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or “get him wrong” for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person’s attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, disappointments and discouragement in life, and lack. of hope.

Sometimes people who are negative think they are being “realistic” or helpful by “calling things by name.” Others may think they are clever at zingers and clever critiques.

6. Schedule a time to talk with your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or “preachy,” give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has significantly impacted you. Maybe your spouse doesn’t even realize how negative you’ve become, or maybe you’re feeling depressed and need to talk to your doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts angrily, stay calm and don’t get defensive. Say you’d rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more trouble later.

7. If nothing changes after talking to your spouse, write him a letter describing your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. Say you want to look forward to his interactions and time with him, but are afraid that constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and his marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your spouse to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage remains strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is unwilling to address the issue by talking to you or seeing a counselor, make an appointment to see a counselor yourself. You will need support and help in determining what the next step should be: try again to communicate verbally or in writing, or try to adjust and live with things as they are, or, in an extreme case, consider a temporary marital separation. .

You will need a deep commitment to stay positive and optimistic in order to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. However, the encouraging news is that according to Robert H. Schuller, “It only takes a positive thought when it is given the opportunity to survive and prosper to dominate an army of negative thoughts.”