Life is what happens

When you are busy

Making other plans.

-John Lennon

The meeting of a sperm and an egg results in a baby, whether it is a body-to-body encounter, an in vitro fertilization, surrogate mothers, or sperm donor fathers. Families now come in all shapes and sizes. However, a child still needs a biological father plus a biological mother to be created.

In most cases, we can tell the child that they were lovingly conceived (even in a test tube), but that is not the case with sperm donor parents. At some point in his life, the child will ask about his biological father; In the movie “The Kids Are Fine,” 15-year-old Laser asks his eighteen-year-old sister, Joni, to contact her sperm donor father; he wants to meet you but he is not old enough to initiate contact on his own.

Joni and Laser, and their moms Jules and Nic are a close-knit, loving family. The kids are fine; adults are going through some problems of their own at this point in their lives. Enter the “sperm donor”, Marc. Initially surprised by the request, he agrees to meet his biological children and little by little they begin to bond and create a relationship to the anguish of the mother.

From the point of view of the Family Constellations, each individual possesses a unique energy field that changes and fluctuates depending on their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. This field is deeply linked to the family in the first instance. And the family included ALL its members, including biological parents / sperm donors. When a family member is excluded, as here the donor parent, the energy field of the family is empty. A child is both parents – in this case we will add an additional mom to the picture – when asked to exclude one of them implicitly (without ever mentioning it) or explicitly, the child’s soul suffers and tries to remedy it. situation throughout your life in very creative ways. All the information of the excluded parents is included in their energy field, it is encoded in their DNA at the level of genetic memory and it does not matter at all if they have never met the biological father.

By “Taking” the Father in Family Constellations we mean taking him as he is, without ties. For example, when we breathe, we breathe in all the air; we cannot be selective about not inhaling contamination or microbes. We can try to be selective by not breathing, but as a consequence, we could cease to exist. So, “Taking the Father” would be equivalent to breathing deeply and taking in all the air that surrounds me. Maybe it’s not the best air quality and maybe the pollution it contains can be harmful; but it is certainly better to breathe than not to breathe. If I stop breathing I will die, and if I breathe shallowly I will get sick.

So when a father, even a sperm donor, gives his genes, he also gives everything that he is, and we can’t say “I’ll take the sperm and leave the rest.” Taking the Father means, then, taking all that life gives you when life comes to you through this specific person, honoring the gift and the giver. Of course, when the man donates his sperm, he is not looking to meet his offspring at a later date. We are talking here from the point of view of the energy field.

Here are some tips for including the sperm donor parent in the family system:

Be prepared for this moment. Every time you look at your baby, child, youth, teenager, adult, envision the sperm donor parent behind him. A good phrase to repeat internally would be: “Thanks to your help I was able to bring this child to life. It was a great gift, I see you and honor you as the biological father of my son.”

1. To the child: “I chose him as his biological father. I find it friendly that you meet him if that is his wish. I honor him in you.”

The parent can say:

1. To the child: “I am happy to meet you. You have a place in my heart as my child. You can take me as your father. In you I honor my mother and I am grateful for everything she has done to keep you alive.” and well. “
2. To the mom (or the moms in the movie): “I am grateful that you have chosen me as the biological father and I honor all that you have done to support this child with the life I helped conceive. Look at me friendly if now we get to get to know each other. “

The child can say:

1. To the father: “I take with love what you have given me.”
2. To the mom / moms: “Dear mom, look friendly if I take my dad. You chose him for me. I will always be your son.”

In the movie, Laser looks longingly at his friend while he lives with his father. Later, when she is with Marc (the sperm donor); he develops the inner strength to break up with an abusive friend, something his mothers wanted him to do. The movie does not have a happy ending and I cannot elaborate on all the issues here.

Would Joni and Laser’s “Taking the Father” solve their problems? Probably not; They have met him, and now they can decide where they want to go from here with this relationship, thus putting their family system in order. “Taking” the father does not necessarily mean that they cultivate a relationship with him; children can be satisfied with knowing who he is.

“The Children Are Fine”, film by Lisa Cholodenko, 2010.