Two of the most common employee complaints in the workplace are a) employees’ inability to resolve minor interpersonal conflicts and b) supervisors’ confusion about how to appropriately assist in resolving reported conflicts. Time and time again, we hear about employees waiting so long to resolve their differences with another employee that when given the opportunity to discuss or mediate the matter, they can barely remember what sparked the conflict in the first place! Conflict itself is not always negative. Conflict allows organizational change to occur. Negative conflict, no matter who it involves, affects all of us on a very personal level. Many supervisors receive training in handling employee conflict. Supervisors, after all, have the ultimate responsibility for guiding, directing, and motivating others.

Unfortunately, supervisor training more often than not falls short on how to resolve conflicts that involve a personal or deep visceral level, those that involve a supervisor, a co-worker, a friend or even a family member. Most of the training involves very limited conflict management skills in listening and communicating about directing the reporting employee to present their own options for handling the reported problem or concern. And as predicted, the employee often comes back with negative results. Two employees who are in a heated conflict should not be sent back to the lion’s den without proper guidance on how to handle conflict in the workplace. Unfortunately, this is what many supervisors do. There seems to be a common mindset that many supervisors have about employee conflicts that says, “Come to me with solutions, not problems.”

When it comes to personal workplace disputes, regardless of where we are in the organization, we all tend to find ourselves struggling to find a remedy to resolve interpersonal disputes before reporting the dispute to a supervisor. Conflict management is often a “learn as you go” type of experiential learning for most people. And, these experiences are often unpleasant. Here are some examples of workplace disputes gone horribly wrong:

1. Out of a team of six employees, five are women who are completely offended by their male supervisor’s condescending and rude instructions to complete assigned projects. Questions and/or suggestions are discouraged and employee absenteeism has resulted in a two month backlog of work.

2. A year-long investigation into an employee’s use of profanity in the workplace resulted in a one-day suspension without pay. Upon returning to work, the employee refuses to speak to the other team members unless absolutely necessary and refuses to take responsibility or admit to the reported behavior.

3. Two supervisors lead a team of ten employees. Neither of them talk to each other unless they absolutely have to. It is common knowledge that both supervisors despise each other. The members of the team have begun to divide their loyalties and the conflicts between the team have intensified. No one is comfortable reporting or trying to resolve office negativity.

Whether you are a supervisor or an involved employee described in the examples above, it matters little because it is this type of conflict that can escalate to a point of no return. If you are a supervisor, some of you may be thinking of various forms of discipline that can be imposed to stop or change negative behavior. Others may be thinking about how soon you would look for another place to work. What if the conflict was handled differently? If you find yourself in this uncomfortable work environment with the people you spend most of your time with due to unresolved or poorly resolved conflict, you may find these tips from the ICBNP helpful:

1. Immediately confront the behavior

Confront Immediately With Tact And Dignity

Conflicted employees often resort to verbally attacking the person they are in conflict with out of unresolved anger that has festered over time. Give yourself a day or two to calm down before confronting the person’s behavior. The idea is to confront the behavior when the incident is fresh in the minds of those most affected by it. The short waiting period will allow you to think more clearly and be much more effective in conveying your feelings. Remember that your attitude will reflect how you will see yourself.

Calming your own anger will allow your words to match your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language with the sincerity behind your desire to resolve the conflict without confrontation. Dealing with inappropriate or hurtful behavior early on also allows you to set your boundaries and establish the kind of relationship you hope to have with the other person. The longer you wait to resolve the conflict, the more you will excuse the behavior. The more you pretend it “doesn’t matter” or until it just “goes away”, the longer the internal pressure cooker will build up steam until the day of the explosion arrives and everyone blames YOU for creating an uncomfortable environment for everyone. Unresolved conflicts that build up over a long period of time rarely have a happy ending.

2. Communicate without accusing

Communicate your feelings using “I feel” descriptors

When talking about the person’s behavior and how it affected you, describe how what they did or said made you feel, followed by a request for the behavior you are seeking. Do not make misleading or accusatory comments about behavior. For example, you can say something like, “When you said ____ in front of the team, I felt very embarrassed and angry. Please don’t confront me like that in front of the team because it undermines my authority as a supervisor.” Here you are concentrating entirely on behavior. You don’t mean, “when you said ___ you treated me like I was one of your children.” This type of comment not only attacks the parenting skills of individuals, but opens the door for a defensive posture, which can unnecessarily escalate the conflict between the two of you. Communicate your feelings without expectations about how the information will be received. In any relationship you are only responsible for “100 percent of your 50 percent” (B. Longstreet, personal communication, 2004). Request that the behavior not continue: seek agreement and then give the person time to choose to change their behavior.

3. Verification of body language

Make sure your body language matches your tone of voice and demonstrate professionalism, sincerity, and maturity.

Nonverbal communication leads the tone of what you are trying to communicate to the receiver. Your words, followed by a calm tone, are the key to being heard and not tuned out. If you can’t calmly align your words with your nonverbal expressions of those words, then you’re not ready to confront the other person’s behavior. As the saying goes, “physician, heal thyself” (King James Version, Luke 4:13).

4. Never insult or make a fool of yourself

Insults increase anger

Teaching someone a lesson is the hardest thing to avoid when it comes to a difficult person who enjoys using you as the butt of their joke or who is a mean-spirited office bully. In fact, it’s tempting to resort to this “catch-up” tactic with the individual whose motive is to get the care they need. Stay professional despite your anger; in the long run, it will be worth it. Lowering yourself to their level is a win-lose situation and will only make the problem worse. Use the person’s first name and, where appropriate, use their job title along with their name. Should the situation escalate or continue to be problematic, your attitude and attempts to reconcile the issue can be a significant advantage in your favor. Dealing with another adult’s behavior in a calm but sensible way requires a high degree of maturity and a lot of patience. It is your perfect opportunity to model the treatment you are looking for.

5. Professionalism of the project

Introduce yourself how you would like to be treated

Are you the type of person who projects professionalism at work? Do you socialize with similar people? Have you ever been told as a child, “show me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who YOU ​​are”? Those who project professionalism attract professionalism. Rarely are these types of individuals found in the middle of an interpersonal conflict, accused of contributing to an offensive work environment, or being investigated for inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

Are your conversations and other forms of communication professionally based? Ask your friends, coworkers, and family members to remind you when you go out of bounds if you’re not sure. One thing to always keep in mind… if you need to ask yourself or someone if their behavior, behavior, or language is “on edge,” it probably is.

Reference:

The Holy Bible: King James Version (2001). Iowa Falls, IA: World Bible Publishers.