How to impress a cat

1. Don’t even try.

The more you try to impress your cat, the more it will be impressed. Be clear right now, nothing you do as a mere human will impress the cat. Do not even try. Puh-lease. . . !

2. Get someone else to try it.

This one works all the time. Get someone else to do the old routine of impressing the cat. Any self-respecting cat will inevitably be unimpressed by the other mere human and will select you for their favors due to the fact that you are obviously a mere human with less initiative and therefore easier to manipulate. This includes food, toys, and whatever else you can think of. Get the other simple human to do it and soon you’ll have a fluff ball purring in your lap.

3. Ignore the dog.

In fact, ignore all other pets, people, and things. Act deaf and dumb with family members. Never watch television. Don’t use the phone. Above all, do not show any interest in any other human or animal that shares your space. Cats simply cannot understand how you can overcome them in your utter disregard for the existence of others. Eventually, they will give in to your curiosity and come to see you. If you then show a twinge of interest in their presence, they are yours for life. That is respect.

4. Never stop doing your best.

This is like the private digging a trench, then covering it, then digging again. . . It is about the will of the human mother to go through the hoop endlessly. Aww, you don’t like food, the same food you’ve ordered a thousand times just in the last week? Here’s some fresh food! And more waiting after that when that falls short of the standard too! Damn the expense. Damn the downside! Damn the accusing looks! Wait, let me run to the store in a panic to find another food you don’t like. Let me put up with your silent accusations of trying to poison you, you little jerk. Let me ask how a mere human can satisfy you. After all, I’m just doing the best I can.

5. Pay more attention to the cat than to your girlfriend.

Oh, the drama. Oh, the tears. Oh, how impressive that a human mother would put her reputation as a man and her future chances of romantic engagement at stake by paying more attention to a pet than a partner. What type! What a loser! Cats love the ambiguity that such multiple loyalty engenders.

6. Keep the litter box neat.

Well, this one isn’t really impressive, but it does limit negative reactions, which is the best you can hope for.

7. Mimic a hairball.

Cats are really in awe when they see a mere human throw up something. Any mere human who can do that with ease and the appropriate sound effects deserves to be included in the Honorary Club of Feline Companions (albeit Minors). Practice throwing until it becomes second nature to you. You will never achieve exalted status with this method, but you will experience a shift from outright disdain to grudging respect.